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Time Has Wings

We’ve all heard it said that “Redbull gives you wings”.
Well for me it works a little differently. 

Time has the wings, my mind got the redbull. 

No, seriously. 

I feel like I blinked and almost two years just vanished into thin air!  Just like that.
And now sometimes I’m afraid to blink again. 

And when I sit down to try and process it all, well, I usually just get back up and try to do something else because it just doesn’t seem possible. 

My mind shoots in hundreds of different directions and I honestly don’t know where to start. 

How do you unpack two years of travel, change, challenge?
Or worse yet, how do you fit it into a nutshell?
How do you explain it to the people who simply ask ‘how was it?’
And how do you even begin to describe to those who look into your soul and really want to know more?

And so my mind is on red bull – or so it would seem.
And time continues to spread its wings.

On one hand I’m relaxed and excited.
On the other hand I’m nervous and scared.
I have moments where I feel so supported and loved to the point where I am overwhelmed.
And I have moments where I feel completely alone.
Times when I am sure of myself.
And times when I doubt everything I was just so sure of.
Days where I think I can answer all those tough questions.
And even more days where I realize not only that I can’t, but I don’t have to.

But mostly, I’m caught in this race between time and my mind.
And you know as well as me that no one wins at that game.  

Not even the fastest thinker can keep up to time and not even the longest day can give enough hours to think it all through. 

The truth is, it’s a battle. 

Between wanting things to change and yet desperately wanting them to stay the same.
Between knowing with all your heart and yet wondering if you thought wrong.
Between straining your eyes so you don’t miss it and closing them so you can rest.  Take a time out.  Take a break from the wings of time.  

You want to so badly,
but the last time you blinked … 

And so here I am.
In germany.
With a mere 10 days until I am back on Canadian soil for the first time in almost two years. 

And I don’t know what to think. 

Because I am supposed to be processing.  And preparing.  And who really knows how to do that anyway? 

If it were possible to clip the wings of time.
But even a bird with clipped wings eventually gets where it’s going.  

And I know if I were to clip the wings of time, it would not stop time from moving.
And I would still end up here in this place, and I would still struggle to process it all.
And my mind would still race, and it would last longer because time is slower…

So I’ve decided something.
To simply stop. 

I’m not pushing myself to process.
I’m not preparing myself or trying to cushion my fall back into “reality.” 

This IS reality.  It all is.  It has been the whole time. 

And my focus is not going to be on all the time that has flown by because I realize that is what sends my mind into a tailspin.
And my focus is not going to be on all the things that might come next or need to happen because again I realize that those thoughts start the downward spiral.
And I am not going to exhaust myself trying to fit puzzle pieces into a picture I have yet to fully see.

But I’ve realized something here in Germany. 

That if I’m content with where I am in THIS moment.
If I am focused on what is in front of me instead of what is behind or ahead.

There I have peace.
There I have time.
There I have stillness and calm.
There I truly enjoy life. 

Who cares if time has wings – it should be allowed to fly.
But I don’t need to feed my mind redbull. 

Exploring in Muhtal with these two!

Exploring in Muhtal with these two!

LOVE these ladies.  So good to be reunited.

LOVE these ladies. So good to be reunited.

Drinking hot wine at a Christmas Market!

Drinking hot wine at a Christmas Market!

Surprising iThemba teams .. honestly the best moment in my year.  Just SO blessed to be able to do this!

Surprising iThemba teams .. honestly the best moment in my year. Just SO blessed to be able to do this!

All dressed up for iThemba banquet

All dressed up for iThemba banquet

iThemba!  SO proud of each of you - still can't believe we were able to surprise them!

iThemba! SO proud of each of you – still can’t believe we were able to surprise them!

picking these two up at the airport ... I was like a kid at Christmas!

picking these two up at the airport … I was like a kid at Christmas!

All ready for the BIG SURPRISE!

All ready for the BIG SURPRISE!

Exploring Muhtal - still!

Exploring Muhtal – still!

iThemba final concert.  SO BLESSED to have been able to see this .. experiencing the beginning of their training and their final concert I am just amazed at what God has done in their lives!

iThemba final concert. SO BLESSED to have been able to see this .. experiencing the beginning of their training and their final concert I am just amazed at what God has done in their lives!

Christmas markets and fantastic friends... this family just warms my heart (and fills my stomach with chocolate haha)

Christmas markets and fantastic friends… this family just warms my heart (and fills my stomach with chocolate haha)

GOOD-BYE iThemba at the airport

GOOD-BYE iThemba at the airport

Meeting little Rosaline for the firs time.  What a hunny!

Meeting little Rosaline for the firs time. What a hunny!

My crisp, cold morning run near Stuttgart, Germany

My crisp, cold morning run near Stuttgart, Germany

Exploring Stuttgart with this girl ... I just love how you can meet someone one day and the next day you are exploring a city together.  SO enjoyed staying at her home and seeing her life here.

Exploring Stuttgart with this girl … I just love how you can meet someone one day and the next day you are exploring a city together. SO enjoyed staying at her home and seeing her life here.

YFC Germany Christmas banquet .. what a fun tradition this food thing (I don't know the name) - delicious!

YFC Germany Christmas banquet .. what a fun tradition this food thing (I don’t know the name) – delicious!

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